Tag Archives: Family

Anger Management, Getting Through, Health

Handling your Children During This Crisis!

As a Life Change Catalyst ™ Coach for the last 22 years, I’ve worked with moms and dads, children, teenagers, married couples, singles, abused women and men, handicapped, gay, straight, bi-sexual, and just about every other “type” of person out there.

But the ones that get to me the most are the mistreated children and the adults who were mistreated as children.

In no way is this an article on the “horrible bad people who beat on kids”.

This article is about what I see happening in our societies today as we continue with the needed isolation during this pandemic.

Most people are trying their best to comply while learning how to deal with lives that are nothing like we’ve seen before.

We are scared and worried. We read or know of people dying daily. We are stressed about our health, our livelihoods, our children, family members and friends. We are anxious and we’re tired. We’re so tired of living like this and yet we don’t know when it will stop.

This kind of juggling and adapting to the craziness of this whole thing is a huge stressor. And when people get stressed, they often act in ways they normally wouldn’t.

I’m daily seeing and hearing the fallout of this stress in the response of parents to one another and to their children. Adults are on edge and overwhelmed and their ability to respond calmly to children’s need and demands is getting stretched pretty thin. And kids are, at least unconsciously, aware of their parents anxiety which in turn fuels their fears and anxiety.

And…..because we love our kids, in our hearts we want to be the “perfect parent”.  But there are no “perfect parents”.

And we can help ourselves.

While raising my daughter, I had an epiphany during a fight with her. It was the typical fight of going over and over the same things and getting nowhere. And I was getting angry and stressed about it. Suddenly, out of the blue, the thought came into mind—what result did I want of this fight? It was like someone splashed cold water in my face. And I realized that all I really wanted was to love my daughter, keep her safe and help her.

Immediately, I calmed down. I felt like my fairy godmother had tapped me with her wand and completely changed my energy. No longer angry, my stress faded away and I calmly told her to just stop for a minute. At first, she thought I was being argumentative but realized how calm I was, and she calmed down.

From there we were able to resolve the issue with no anger or stress.

I know this situation we’re in is causing you to be stressed, upset, angry and a myriad of other negative emotions. And I know that you love your children and want the best for them. How you handle this event is teaching them how to handle things in their lives.

What if the next time you start to get mad, at the end of you rope or just tired of it all, you reminded yourself of what you want the end result to be. It takes some willpower to “be that adult” but I know that anyone who is willing can do it. Focusing on the end result is more important than trying to win a fight. As parents, our job is not to win fights but to teach our children how to handle life’s ups and down.

Take a deep breath……think of the outcome you want…..and relax. You can do this!

For more information on how to handle things in your life go to: https://www.debrafentress.com/Articles.html

If you’d like to talk, you can call me at (818) 422-2474 or email at: Debra@DebraFentress.com

Getting Through

It’s That Time Again! How to Get Through the Family Holidays

There’s an old saying that you can pick your friends but not your family. This seems particularly true around the holidays.

As a Life Change Catalyst™ I see clients every year stressing over how to deal with the relatives during this season. For many, it’s a time of celebration and a time of dread. But, it can be better by following a few tips for handling specific types:

The Drama Queen

We’re all more alike than you might realize. We want love, attention and respect. Which is usually what the Drama Queen is after. Unfortunately, she will suck the energy right out of you. Your best option is to never ask how she’s feeling about anything. If she still pulls the diva act, listen for a few minutes and politely excuse yourself by pointing out that you appreciate her pain but you’ve got to (go to the bathroom, help in the kitchen, check on your children). Then LEAVE!

The Nosy Inquisitor

These guys are my favorites. For some reason they feel it’s okay to ask the most personal questions. Questions like: Married yet? When are we going to hear the sound of little feet? What, you still haven’t found a job? You’re not going to eat that are you?

The best response I’ve ever seen is to look them directly in the eye and very calmly say, “I’m sorry. What did you ask me? I must have heard that incorrectly.” If they repeat it, again, calmly say “What, you asked me what?” You must say this with a straight face and no anger. Odds are they will get how rude they are or be too embarrassed to repeat it.

The Uncle with Loose Hands

You know this guy. His hugs are a little too long. He always wants to kiss you on the lips. And he won’t keep his hands from straying. What to do? You don’t want to make a scene but you want him to stop.

The best way to handle this guy is to loudly, without anger, point it out. Say something like, “Uncle Bob, I save those kind of kisses for my husband, my boyfriend, my _______!” “Uncle Bob, you’re crushing me!” “Uncle Bob, did you mean to put your hand on my breast?”

Instead of worrying about saving his face, lay it out. I’m sure you won’t be the only women he’s tried this with. As long as you do it without anger or throwing a scene, you can put a stop to his antics and keep the peace.

The Know it All

Just remember with this person…..they have a need to be right. It’s not all about showing you up. They need something to boost their ego and self worth.

The easiest way to handle this one is to give them what they want: agree with them. When they begin to tell you how to do something better, just respond with that they are probably right but this time you want to try it a different way. It’s more adventurous. Even if they argue, hold to the story and remember it’s not about you. It’s their need to feel good about themselves.

The Downer

Whenever I’m around the “downer” person I always think of the Charles Shultz character “Pig Pen”. Everywhere he went, he carried a cloud of dirt over this head and left dirt behind him. This is like the downer. They spread their negative energy wherever they go.

Your task is to avoid starting conversations with asking “how” something is/was. Instead ask what he or she liked best. If you get caught in the depressing tales of woe, chime in telling them you’ve been reading these great self help books on how gratitude and positive thinking helps us get through rough times.

One thing to remember is that it’s temporary. And hopefully, at least on some level, you do love these people. And most importantly……you teach people how to treat you.

Happy holidays and may all your get-togethers be joyful.